Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.