to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I came this close!!!!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
mathematically impossible
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Finally, a door that understands me
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…