best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!