CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’ve had worse
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.