Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Love is in the air fryer.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.