If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Expect the unexporcupine.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.