It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I will never stop laughing at this
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.