I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT