*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Peace was never an option
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Not even remotely sorry.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.