It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.