[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
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taking June’s advice to heart
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
good for her
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Huge, if true.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will