approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*