Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*