Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?