At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.