I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
yea so i messed up lol
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Sounds about right! 💯
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
SCARY COSTUME
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.