do u think theres a butter planet?
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.