Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though