Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My kitchen overserved me.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.