If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
be careful
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?