Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
What’s a Messi?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)