At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
No. YOU-buprofen.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.