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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.