I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.