Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.