Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
⛄️
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
same energy
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”