Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name