One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Choose your fighter
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“no gods no masters” = leo
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
When your man makes a valid point
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.