I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa