which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.