You Might Also Like
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Just this preview of the story is enough
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Meow
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.