Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
👾👾👾
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My beach vacation Google searches
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.