It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”