Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you