don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
You Might Also Like
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.