‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby