I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Meeeee too!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”