[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.