I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
They’re stuck in your pants?