*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior