My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire