I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Awwwww shit.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭