[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.