*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.