remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
You Might Also Like
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different