Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.