Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
and now we wait
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.