DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?