Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.