Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
They say women only use 10% of their anger
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.